I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.