Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
A completely valid reaction tbh
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Beware of the “party goblin”…
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.