I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.