“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
i spent way too long on this
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.