Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
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if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Body by cheese-puffs.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔