if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.