I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?