All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Velcrow
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?