So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
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I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things