I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
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A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it