She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?