My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
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Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Sunday
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
6: are snakes just neck?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.