That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Me :
All Day At Night
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten