Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
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Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 馃ぃ
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn鈥檛 work because the instructions were missing.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
don’t we all
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.