*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?