Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
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Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough