I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
🤣🤣🤣
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”