me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
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My blood type is coffee.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Sing it!
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.