People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
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I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.