Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!