Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
classic mixup
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
the best thing i’ve ever made
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month