Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
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Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.