If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
You Might Also Like
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade