The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
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How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss