4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
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People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
man: wait
time: no
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.