*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
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Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.