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Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
put ‘er there pardner!
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude