I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
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Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
The Compass
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white