I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
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Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”