so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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I unironically love this joke.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?