I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego