My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
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Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Okay
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about