[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂