You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I love you…
…r dog.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep