Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
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Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
the last thing a carrot sees
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*