Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I think my mom just blocked me
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.