This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
had to make it
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Now this is how you LinkedIn
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I don’t know what to do
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.