Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
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me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow