4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
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Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.