Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
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reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
bugs when you lift up a rock
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass