You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.