Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
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me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.