*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
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At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.