I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”