ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Why font matters.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt