Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
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grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.