Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
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Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Wikigenius
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
The news is so predictable nowadays
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist