Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
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If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
how long have you had this for?
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.