ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
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Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.