*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
12653.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.